Why my life was not my own

Kure Once I realized that my life was being run by this inner resistance, who I named SMUD (Suzanne’s Mean Ugly Darkside), I went through the exercise of thinking deeply and honestly in order to capture who SMUD is and how he works to influence my life.  Identifying him and his behavior was the first step in freeing my inner self to living passionately me.

neurontin 900 mg day  


(This is how I picture SMUD in my mind…scary!)


SMUD has always existed, but has become more powerful and detrimental in the last 5 years.  He is notorious for keeping my self confidence low so he can grow bigger and stronger.  He does not want me to live my life to its fullest, and thrives off of keeping me stagnant.  When I am considering an action that will potentially bring me happiness, he is a mastermind at bringing the negative consequences or “what ifs” to light, so that it turns all thought about the action into worry and concern.


SMUD has constant influence over my being, in small ways and large.  He prevents me from taking a class to learn something new, having fun in social settings, changing jobs, or moving to a new town.


I know that SMUD has taken over my being when;

  • I cannot find humor within myself and I cannot enjoy it when humor is presented by others
  • I am incapable of making change in my life
  • I am unable to try something new
  • I completely believe that everyone else is more important than me
  • I have no self confidence
  • I can only live contently in the past or future
  • I see situations as the glass is half empty
  • I feel trapped with no options
  • I am convinced that I provide no value in what I do or say
  • I am afraid of almost anyone and everything
  • I am not passionate about anything
  • I feel unattractive inside and out

SMUD is physically strong, verbally threatening, and is scary to look at (which is why I have never looked at him directly).  All of these characteristics have prevented me from challenging him.  In addition, he camouflages his voice to sound like me when he speaks, so that I can’t tell that it is him.  As a result, I do not realize it is SMUD that has made the decision instead of me! 


When I sat down and wrote this I was floored to see how much my life was not my own.  It made my desire to live passionately stronger than ever.  I knew things had to change, and boy was there room for improvement!


What does your inner resistance look like? What do you call him/her? How does it sabotage you in ways big and small?

Suzanne HermusWhy my life was not my own